Oh, Mousie, Not Your Best-Laid Scheme. A Burns’ Day Tale, Sad But True

Too a Mouse

On Lifting up My Toilet Seat Last Sunday Morning, January, 2013

Wee, sleeket, soggy, floatin’ beastie,
Panic’s no more in thy breastie.
Thou shouldn’a jump’d in there sae hasty,
Wi’out floatation!
Had I but heard, I’d come an’ save thee,
From wet damnation!

I’m truly sorry human plumbing,
Unsuited to your way of coming,
Did lead to your most sad succumbing,
— that hinge-side gap —
and brought you to an end so numbing,
Last words? “Oh, crap!”

Thy attic fam’ly, now, in ruin;
They must be wond’rin what you’re doin’!
An’ no one, now, to feed the sma’ ones
Wi’ nibbles thieved.
An’ January’s snows keep blowin.
Thou shouldst ha’ lived!

If caref’ler foresight you did give,
What then? poor beastie, thou wouldst live!
Instead, kin scan the will for your bequest.
Or did you nothing leave?
Och, they’ll be pissed!

Thou walked the loo, (that’s for my wast),
An’ in you fell. Mistake? Your last.
An’ in the bowl you paddled fast;
Must ha’ been hell.
No splash! You scrambled till you passed.
Tough luck. Oh well.

Thou wee-bit heap o’fur an’ bubble,
Thy end, clearly, more sad than noble.
Now thou’s done in, for a’ thy trouble,
O mouse, so bold.
Now Mousie Jr’s strife is double;
Mouse Sr’s cold!

But Mousie, thou need na complain,
You’ll ne’er make that misstep again.
The best lid-schemes for toilets, then,
Are not mouse-proof.
But now you’re past your grief an’ pain,
Thou careless goof.

Still, thou art blest, compar’d wi’ me!
For now, each time I go to pee,
Or poo, I backward cast my e’e,
Ere dropping rear!
Faced forward, whyles I canna see,
I guess, an’ fear!

Robert Burns

Robert Burns

9 Comments

Filed under life not human, literature, perspective, tradition, writing

9 responses to “Oh, Mousie, Not Your Best-Laid Scheme. A Burns’ Day Tale, Sad But True

  1. TinyShinyOne

    A’ight, THAT was impressive. Nicely done, sir!

  2. Dave

    Surely that’s a finer tribute to RB than any toasts and drams – REspect, y’all

  3. Och aye, the lassies are lookin’ up me…blog, and they like wha’ they see! Thank you for appreciating my dead mouse.

  4. Friggin’ awesome, Evan. Uberlike.

  5. Perhaps we should each drop a wee bit of haggis in the bowl tonight, in tribute to the mouse that should have roared.

  6. Seth

    Ah spect we’ll be droppin haggis in the bowl by mornin anyhow…

    • Just can’t get off the subject of toilets, can we? Fittingly, today mousie got his revenge; toilet and tub are not draining. Is there a five-day-old mousicle blocking the down pipe? (Shoulda gone for cremation.)

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